escape
2007-06-06, 10:15 p.m.

Bad days. screamed at from morning to night. Wishing fervently i could just walk out and leave everything behind. Leave this miserable life alone. But if you heard yourself, you would know how psychotic you sound. And i'm not one to aggravate it. I like it when its peaceful and i can carry on with my life.
Like how you carry on with yours. Never realising there are so many people. And here i am. Tangled up, at times, hanging by a thread. But mostly a distance away. But its good isnt it.
Cold turkey. Getting over my addiction. Suffering the consequences in silence. Never been one to openly expose my emotions. But i'm getting bad at that. I lost control, the control i'm trying to find back.
Gibbs free energy, spontaneity, entropy. Messy system. But mess is good. You hide behind the jumbled piles of emotions. You take the hurt, shove it to one side. Put on a smile, dark and empty. dead eyes that should be hidden behind shades.
but your eyes sparkle. give it back. don't take what isnt yours. gone for months now. and i'm getting tired. so so tired.
you look but you don't see. That fleeting shadow is me. What is never meant to will never be. understanding. accepting.
it feels weird without you. the overwhelming urge to sit in the back room and play with you. but its an empty patch. a painful reminder of reality.
mind games. deluding myself. pretending that if i wait it out, everything will turn out ok. Back to the way it was. but it never will be.

for once, goodbye seems to be the easiest word. the only word.

wonderful - memories