can't lose what you never had.
2007-06-16, 10:37 p.m.

My fault. My mistake. My error. Blissful ignorance, self denial are all things of the past. Faced with the present, trapped and directionless. Walking through a maze, unable to find the way out. The present - the current reality. Or i can choose to dwell in the past. Which ever way i walk, same difference. Same pain.

Staring blankly.
Laughing at the stupidest things.
Small things i hang on to, that grant me temporary respite from reality.
Even if for a few seconds.
Night.
Sleep, hiding in my dreams where nothing has ever been anything but perfect.
Dreading the break of dawn.
That very moment of consciousness.
Where emotions resurface too fast.
Stubbornly refusing to open my eyes, contented with the darkness that allows me a little more time to escape the mad rush of the world.
But it's not about the rush.
Never has been.
Just my excuse.
Trying to prolong the time i can spend in dreamland.
Like watching the receding waves while standing along the shoreline.
Searching endlessly in the deep recesses of my memory.
For that exact moment.
The turn of the tide.

With time comes inevitable change. I have accepted that. But time doesn't change everything. Especially your ability to make me fee worthless. Your ability to break my confidence in those split seconds. Confidence i built up over time. Crashing down around me. Lost and confused all over again. Sentences which i heard before. That i know i will be hearing. I'm not new to that feeling. But time has the ability to heal to mend. That is what i aim to discover.

fear of rejections, kept my love inside.
but time is running out so damn my foolish pride.
i don't care if you think i'm crazy
it doesnt matter if it turns out bad
i've got no fear of losing you
you can't lose what you never had.
now i'm gonna confess that i love you
i've been keeping it inside, feeling i could die.
if you turn away then that's ok
at least we'll have a moment before you say goodbye.

wonderful - memories