Regret
2007-07-15, 6:36 p.m.

Canoeing nationals was over on Thursday. But I’m still not in the mood to talk about it. Maybe cause if I do talk about it, the reality that my canoeing journey is over will hit me harder. I like living in delusion. Haha. Suffice to say, we did surprisingly ok. What I thought might not have been possible became a reality. But I shall leave all these to some other day.
You’re way too beautiful girl, that’s why it could never work, you leave me suicidal suicidal when you say it’s over.
Instead I shall recount what happened today. Or rather just now, which left me mildly amused and very irritated. I apparently took my bike for a walk. Just like how someone would walk their dog. I went cycling, halfway through my tires went flat. Luckily for me, although I cycled for half an hour, the distance I cycled could have been covered in 15 minutes cause I spent half the time messaging. I decided not to wheel my bike back cause it will spoil the aluminium rim on the back wheel. So I carried my bike all the way back. It’s my precious racing bike, obviously I would not let anything damage it. Half an hour walk, with my 8kg bike on my shoulder. Actually it’s good exercise. I got more exercise than I bargained for. But something funny happened just after my tire went flat. This guy, walked towards me, he looked about 20 – 22. Then he asked me what was wrong. I could not believe he could not see that my tire was flat. But he sounded not very smart actually, from the tone of his voice. I wanted to laugh. So he just watched me fiddle around with my wheel. Then he asked me was I going to get it repaired and where was I going. I almost died from amusement, cause he was trying to start a conversation in the middle of the pavement hahaha. So I just told him I was going home first and maybe I will repair it another day. And then I waited to see if he had anything else to say. So he said ok good. Then I say bye, then he said ok go home faster and tried to help me push my bike forward. Haha. Funny guy, but at least it amused me.
I’ll get over you, I know I will. I'm the king of wishful thinking
The past few days have been enjoyable. I have been eating a lot of rubbish. GUILT FREE. And just earlier today, I had prata for lunch. This is the life man! But I know I will get sick of it eventually. Too much oil is not good for my body system. And last night’s senior team dinner was not bad. I ate a lot. And the food is not exactly healthy, but I’m not feeling guilty. And I finally drank again after abstaining from it for 1 and a half months now. I have another bottle in my room. Just waiting to be opened. Maybe next week. School is priority now. Though I’m feeling very lost in school at the moment. I spent Friday hanging around school and going from one class to another feeling like some retard. Stoning through most of the lessons, I look like I was listening but like some saturated sponge, I was not absorbing anything at all. But this week I shall change for the better.
won't you be my inspiration.
Anyway mr yong is in death valley, so good luck to him. I’ll still respect him no matter what happens. He is doing something for a great cause and not everyone is able to do something like that.
I don't quite know, how to say, how i feel. Those three words are said too much. But not enough.
If I could turn back time. I really really would. I have one greatest regret this year. And I wish I could change it. I wish I had one more chance to alter the outcome. It’s been haunting me for awhile now. Weighing on my mind day and night. No matter how I try to push it aside, it does not work. It’s getting heavier by the day. The more I try to forget, the worse it becomes. And I really don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so lost, cause everything just spinned out of control and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. It was deteriorating steadily, but then I did something and its as if I cut loose the last remaining thread that was actually holding it there. Now all I can do is wander what might have happened had I done what I did too late. Regret is a cruel emotion. It toys with your mind and drives you to the brink of insanity. Ok I’m exaggerating. But whatever.

wonderful - memories