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2007-12-12, 10:25 p.m.

This morning's entry was crap. But no one should read this entry either. It's going to suck anyway.

I don't understand why you want to send me overseas. Why you're so adamant that i go overseas to study. You claim that it's because i need to be more responsible. I need to be more independent and that i should not be so reliant on what i have back here. Screw it. I don't want to go overseas. Might have wanted to at one point in time, but i don't anymore. i have my reasons, i can't tell them to you cause you won't understand. sometimes i think i don't understand it myself. you'll think i'm being stupid, childish but sometimes what means alot to me might not be what you have in mind. But i don't need your approval. i must stop seeking it. there's no point, i'll never be good enough anyway. don't try to make me be someone i'm not. don't try to push me towards a future you want just because you never achieved yours. you wanted to be great. i just want to be normal. i just want to be me. i just want to do what i love. i want to be happy. i'm not happy now. i'm not. And why do you have to blame me for events long past. you always find excuses to blame everyone else. why not for once just shut the fucking hell up. why do we always fight on wednesdays?

I'm not always a nice person. i can be terribly bad. but i try not to be, cause i don't like treating others badly. it does me no good, even if for temporary satisfaction.

i need to cycle. i always feel like i'm getting away. and i'm an avoider. i run away when things don't turn out right. but sometimes, i do otherwise. hmmmm, i cycled last wednesday. it was cold and it had just stopped raining. then it started again. how dumb.

did i lose my way. or did i find my way back home.

when i'm desperate and struggling for things to say.

if tears were laughter. if night were day.

wonderful - memories