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2008-01-02, 9:13 a.m.

Wonder what was up with me yesterday. I bad mooded from morning to night. Ok I know full well why I was in such a terrible mood. My parents. Shan't elaborate cause I don't want to think about it anymore. Damn and it was the first the of the new year somemore. How could they do that to me. So early in the day, completely bashed my mood, and I woke up so tired but happy. Knew it was the worst move to walk down the stairs to pick up my papers from the computer table.

Should have made my new year resolutions, but I hadn't thought of any. But since I spent so much time sulking yesterday, and since sulking is a good time for thinking, then I think I have thought of quite a few.

1. I must stop evading when I don't know how to answer or I don't like the problems I am facing. I must stop running and trying to escape cause it only gets worse.
2. I need more courage. In every aspect of my life.
3. I need to be more honest.
4. I must try to be nicer to my parents even when I don't like the way they are talking to me.
5. I must not let my mood affect the way I talk to others.
6. Love like I've never been hurt and I'll never hurt.
7. Never hurt you. Always make you smile.

This is unbelievable. I"m at home. School has started for everyone else. I can't believe this. After 12 years, I don't have to wake up at 6 in the morning anymore. But actually I miss it. I miss the routine, the certainty of how I'll spend my day. I like being sure of what will come next. I don't like uncertainty, it scares me. And I want to go for morning runs, and simple exercises even if I'll sweat like some idiot. Sadly, I didn't get the relief teaching job. MOE only sent me my confirmation as a relief teacher applicant two days ago. OMG. 4 years in NJ and now I didn't wake up on the first day of school, the mad rush to school and the excitment of a new year in school. 4 years ago, I woke up in the morning thinking, this is something so new, after 8 years, I'm stepping into a different campus. And that day marked the end of my old life, and the beginning of the life I'm leading now. I like it.

Ooooh. I just read a message. Jealousy is such a raw emotion. How could she have beaten me to it. Damn. I shouldn't be sitting here, no I shouldn't.

I feel guilty, and I'm sorry. Was too muddled and confused to talk properly yesterday.

Tonight I fall in and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And everynight I miss you I can just look up
And know the stars are holding you holding you holding you tonight.

wonderful - memories