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2008-02-15, 11:17 p.m.

So much happy stuff I can choose to blog about. But what I'm choosing to focus on is my disastrous self. In all sense of the word. To side track for awhile. I almost got into an accident twice today. And hence this gives further meaning to the word disastrous. My heart was beating so wildly yet I was just feeling slightly out of it. My lack of focus will get me killed. On my way to the pet shop and on my way home, twice in less than two hours, that's a new record. But I can't focus when my mind is somewhere else.

Shocking revelation. I found out that my blog is not as obscure as I thought it was. The facts aren't obvious yet obvious enough. And so jas said alot of people know. And I could only go O.o I didn't mean for it to be this way, but I wasn't careful enough. Oh well. My lack of judgement.

So I shall start on my far from perfect self. I'm sorry things turned out this way. I didn't mean for it to get this way. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to at least send you to the station even if I couldn't accompany you home. Or rather the initial plan was to sit with you till you closed shop at 8.30 and then make my way home after that. But you closed so early today and I thought why not send you to amk instead. But somehow I screwed up. And then I got all confused. As usual not knowing what to say. On hindsight I probably shouldn't have answered the call and I'm sorry. But I needed to tell them I didn't want to go to taiwan. But still wrong time wrong place, it's so me.

I could have done more but then I have this fear in me. So scared of being turned down, pushed away. That each time you didn't really respond, I just lost confidence and I tried less and less. Eventhough I wanted to try harder. Whenever someone is angry at me or upset with me I'll feel so guilty, so helpless. So all I did was sit there and collect my thoughts, gather my confidence, taking longer each time. When all I wanted was to hold you in my arms, to rest my head on your shoulder till we have to part.

And I want to call you so badly, but I can't dial the numbers cause I won't know how you'll sound over the phone. If you're still upset with me I'll be speechless cause I always am. The only words I can mutter is 'sorry'. That's how terrible I am with words. I want to hear your voice before I fall asleep. But I'm so scared you're already sleeping and I'll only serve to disturb you if I rouse you from your slumber.

Two other sorries to people who won't ever read this blog again. First, I'm sorry I won't be going visitng tomorrow, I just can't bring myself to. Next I'm sorry I won't be going to taiwan. As fun as I know it will definitely be, I'm certain I could not enjoy it. That's all for now. I'll go make the calls that shall inform them of my absense.

So salty. I need to drink more water.

wonderful - memories